Real research conducted by Professor John Gottman reveals that trust is the most vital ingredient to a successful relationship, and it starts on day one. In fact when studying individuals of all socioeconomic groups when asked, “What is the desirable quality you’re looking for in a partner,” trustworthiness ranked number one, over looks, sexiness, and all other qualities.
Back in the research lab, when studying newlyweds who had only been married a couple of months, with all of the challenges that new couples experience, issues surrounding trust and betrayal again ranked number one, and it’s not just surrounding the concern of physical betrayal. In any relationship the very core of the structure is built around trust and commitment which are the walls of The Sound Relationship House. It’s built on the answers to questions like:
- Can I trust you to be there for me when I’m upset?
- Can I trust you to listen to me when I’m upset?
- Can I trust you to choose me over your mother?
- Can I trust you to work for our family?
- Can I trust you to choose me over your friends?
- Can I trust you to not take drugs and go back to those bad habits?
- Can I trust you to not cheat on me?
- Can I trust you to be sexually faithful?
- Can I trust you to respect me; to help with things in the house?
- Can I trust you to really be involved with our children?
- Can I trust you to be moral?
- Can I trust you to always care about me?
All of these were issues that couples were working on in the first years of their relationship, but what about couples who have been together for years and are now having issues? Well turning back to research, we know that the average amount of time between when couples start having issues to when they come in for help is six years. This means a lot of water has passed under the bridge, but using methods developed by The Gottman Institute research tells us we can help about 75% of those couples. The challenge then became, once they had the tools, how do we protect them from relapse, and the answer came back yet again to trust.
By measuring things in a clinical environment and by comparing these measurements over decades and comparing the masters of relationship to the disasters, they began to see patterns form. The patterns tell us that successful relationships are built not on the large gestures, but on the small moments or “sliding doors in time.”
The above video of Dr. John Gottman himself, gives a brief explanation of how trust is built in a relationship.
If you are having trust issues, or other challenges in your relationship, contact us online or call the office at 469-225-9040 for an appointment.